yaosai |

"This is the life we must choose."

Edited 2013-11-26 13:58 (UTC)

"And there are no more heroes to follow."

Edited 2013-10-23 00:42 (UTC)

"It's funny what this life has done to me now."

Edited 2013-10-23 00:46 (UTC)

"The trigger’s warm, the chamber is loaded."

Edited 2013-10-23 00:34 (UTC)

"Now you’re in too deep you may never get out."

Edited 2013-10-23 00:31 (UTC)

"Does anyone care it ain't right where we're going?"

Edited 2013-10-23 00:28 (UTC)

Lee looked up at her when Feng Li nudged the door open, his face awash in the warm glow of a lamp beside the couch where he sat. The light gleamed across the brace on his left arm, one of the many relics of the trauma he was still recovering from. For a moment, she regretted walking through the door and as she closed it behind her, part of her wondered what he would think if she just ran back out without telling him anything.

But his expression brightened when he saw her, a smile easing the lines in his face, softening a pain that she knew no knife had caused. When she had found him in the warehouse, she had been alone, with no backup to be had. Upon his rescue, his superiors put up a good show of being ecstatic at finding him alive, but nothing they said or did could outweigh the fact that Feng Li had been the only soul willing to put her life on the line for him.

"Usually I'm the one barging into your quarters," he joked idly, his tone not quite matching his words. "It's an interesting change."

"I need to tell you something." She didn't return the sentiment, which she hoped he could understand, especially as he set his tablet down to the side.

He sat up, his expression suddenly sharp with concern. After all, she could only remember a handful of times when she voluntarily came to him with a statement that strong. The last time she had was when she learned about Avias's conflict of interests as her prosecutor, how his family had been killed in The Bloody Friday when her army swept through the Fanrong Valley in the pincer formation that killed thousands of soldiers as well as civilians. Lee had fought tooth and nail to remove the other Deacon from her prosecution, but to no success.

For now, he gestured for her to come sit next to him on the couch. The surveillance in his room was video only, which added a small layer of protection where she knew she was already in hot water. She had already caused the exposure of the Deacon Project to the public when she went after Lee. Despite the fact that she knew Lee wouldn't execute her anytime soon, even after he got heat for being kidnapped in the first place, she knew she was living on borrowed time. The hearing in nine months would be her last; she was sure Avias would have more than enough to send her six feet under. And if nothing else, someone would get their hands on her, make sure she knew what it meant to suffer before she finally died

She swallowed as she sat down, a rare show of the nervous emotion causing every touch to send a spike of fear up her spine. The past few weeks of angry voicemails and regular death threats sent to not only every POW still in the Project but their Deacons as well made every return to headquarters a test in patience. This morning protestors began camping out in front of the building after someone leaked the address to the population. While Feng Li didn't fear death much in and of itself, she couldn't after years of hearings and open animosity from those she served with, but everything had changed in a matter of days, her whole life opened up and exposed bare to anyone who might want to go poking around.

Lee sat across from her, gingerly adjusting the brace on his arm, more likely as something to do than any real discomfort from the device. It took another moment or two to organize her thoughts in her head because when she started, there was no returning him to a state of ignorance or halting the explanation. Anything but the full and absolute truth at this point would hurt him more than total secrecy.

"The Deacon Project is not what you think it is anymore." Despite the lack of audio on the cameras, she still kept her voice low, but audible. "I have been getting assignments from Bishop Paris for almost a year now, with the explicit instruction to not inform you of them."

She paused for a breath and to watch as Lee pressed his lips into a thin line, his jaw clenching tighter than she thought could be comfortable. However, he did not speak, instead nodding for her to continue.

"One of them was for Zi Hao, my oldest brother." She did indeed continue, her lips forming the words she had never said aloud to anyone before. "On Huo Zui, at the nightclub. The man I killed was my brother. I killed him."

Just the act of saying it aloud made the reality of the act weigh even heavier on her shoulders. Lee opened his mouth in reply, but she held up a hand to try and stop him.

"Corporal," she began again, before sliding into less formal language, talking to her friend instead of her commanding officer. "Lee. I killed my brother that night. And I… could not tell you."

She remembered the argument too clearly, how it pressed too hot against her senses after the death of Zi Hao. Before she had even cleaned the blood off her hands, Lee had been angry, furious beyond belief when she needed support. He had a reason to be angry, even now after it all, but that night had been one of the most difficult of her life. Swallowing again, she flicked her gaze down to the carpet, her heart pounding in her ears.

"I… when you were kidnapped, I was given orders to not rescue you," she spoke in an even lower tone as she carefully raised her eyes to meet his again. "No one was to attempt a rescue. The Heian needed to be stopped before they could expose the Project."

Nothing discernible moved in Lee's expression, except for a few slow, unfeeling blinks; she had seen it before on the faces of soldiers who had lost entire platoons when she told them of the number of their dead. It was the mark of someone who cared, even if it was just about themselves. When she had informed her father of their losses, he had barely blinked an eye before issuing the next set of orders. In their five years together as partners, Lee had regarded every target with a degree of kindness Feng Li had previously thought to be stupid. They were targets, silhouettes to fill with bullets, fires to be extinguished, one more point in her column for when the next hearing came up.

Zi Hao had been different, for more than the obvious reasons. She had lost a brother before, to a cause she had thrown everything into, only to be left like he had on the battlefield to die. Zi Hao had been a combatant like her, this time on the opposite side of the chessboard between two powers that refused to fight with anything but pawns.

The pawn sitting across from her, though, was not disposable; Jian Yu was not disposable, Zi Hao was not disposable, Corporal Ulysses Downs was not disposable.

"Where we are going, where the Project is going…" she trailed off for a moment when Lee's jaw shifted minutely, his gaze still solidly cemented to hers.

"It ain't right," he interrupted, his expression still blank, as if not even aware he had spoken. "It ain't right where we're going. It ain't right and no one gives a shit. We're going down to hell itself and they don't give a shit."

She sits back, lets it spill out of him, or vent, or whatever he needed right now. Silence hangs between them again as Lee falls back into apparent shock and so she steps forward again to continue.

"You are not expendable." This time, her words are firm and Lee's gaze drops away, shaking his head. "Not to me."

"Like hell I'm not," he pressed back into the conversation, hot and on the edge of something she had never seen in him before. Paranoia and hate looked different contorted his face into that of any other Deacon than him. Another few breaths, however, sucked it back out of him, softened his expression before he hid it underneath a bandaged hand. "Why didn't you tell me sooner? Why not after… after Zi Hao? Why wait?"

Her brother's name from his mouth threw her off guard, unbalanced her nerves and opened her up to remembering that night again. How it had felt to slide her knife across her brother's neck, how his blood had sprayed up her arms, how she had regretted it the instant it happened, how she knew she would never hear his voice again, only the gurgling last breaths of a dying man, how she could never bring him back, how she could never undo what had been done, how she would never be whole again. It all came blazing through her, white-hot in her throat and it made her choke and gag.

That night, she had to press it down, all those feelings, all those memories, tuck them away where Lee could not see them. But now she was raw and exposed and vulnerable in front of him when he was hurting and could strike her down at any instant. She bowed her head down into her hands, desperately trying to pull it all back in out of reach.

A hand on her shoulder interrupted her, followed by Lee, "You're not expendable either. No part of you. No brothers, no morals, no nothing. Even if… Even if the Project says so. You're not expendable either. You came for me. That isn't something I'm ever gonna forget."

She lifted her head, a hot tear streaking down her cheek, but she noticed his scruff was soaked with them already, trails drawing lines down his face.

"Where we're going… it ain't right." He said, his tone growing more resolute the more he spoke. "That just means we have to have each others' backs more than ever. You can trust me."

Sucking in a shallow breath, she nodded. "I know."

Lee reaffirmed his grip on her shoulder with a simple squeeze as Feng Li continued, "I had to tell you. Bishop Paris can't know that you know."

If their commanding officer did find out, Feng Li was a dead woman; Lee would be ordered to execute her on the spot. Any attempt to fight back would be met with his own death followed by hers. The ice they stood on was thinner than ever. Any step in the wrong direction meant both of their deaths.

"She won't," Lee replied, his gaze now steel and resolute and absolutely ice cold.

Edited (1802 words) 2013-12-01 01:13 (UTC)

"I'll be dead before the day is done."

Edited 2013-12-15 22:09 (UTC)

"This is the season we tear our rivals down."

Edited 2013-10-23 01:03 (UTC)

"There will be times of trouble, it's gonna hurt like hell. This much I know."

Edited 2013-10-23 00:54 (UTC)

tbe

"I would be the tourniquet around your doubting heart"

Edited 2013-10-23 00:32 (UTC)

"Awake to the fact there's no going back to this world in which I was living."

Edited 2013-10-23 00:49 (UTC)

“What the hell is going on with you?” Lee spoke just as the door closed behind him, his eyes taking in the blood and the glass and her whole body seemed to ache with just that simple reminder. When she tried to turn away, he stopped her with one callused hand on her shoulder but her orders had been clear. Do not tell the corporal anything. She stood as still as she could manage with the weight of her brother's death still falling onto her shoulders piece by piece. The way his voice turned into gurgling attempts to breathe echoed in her mind with each heartbeat. Her brother was dead and she was the one who slid the knife across his throat, the dog who had been following orders. It was too late now to feel, to question, to wonder. The blood that covered her forearms had been spilt. Zi Hao's blood.

Frustrated, Lee shook that one shoulder, his anger surging up behind his less than placid countenance. “Feng Li, I need you to tell me what’s going on here. I’m your superior. I’m ordering you.”

He had stopped needing to pull rank sometime after their first year together and the fact that he saw it necessary to do so now made her back straighten in a quiet fear of the ripples that would spread from tonight. Her brother was dead. Zi Hao was dead. What else lay dying before her eyes? Hers and Lee's working relationship had been tenuous at times, yes, but never anything she wanted to lay down as collateral. Not after he vouched for her time and time again, not after he put himself in the crosshairs to keep her alive.

“Feng Li, please,” Lee’s voice dropped lower, his grip loosening.

She glanced over at him, meeting his gaze for a long, silent moment before the taxi pulled up to the curb. As she climbed into the back, Lee stared after her for several seconds before he shut his eyes and sighed. He followed her in and quietly gave the driver the address of the hotel they were staying at. They traveled in silence and even when they returned to their suite and he began to pick the glass shards out of her arm with a pair of tweezers, he remained just as stony.

The whole world seemed to be one long blur, time itself stretching every heartbeat into an ugly, sickening thud in her ears. She was going to be sick, but she had to keep it in, tuck her emotions back in place. File away her brother's last breaths as something to deal with later. She had to, for the Project, for the agency that was slowly sucking her soul out through every connection she had left in life.

Zi Hao was dead but she had to silence the voice that repeated that fact in her head.

“I’m sorry,” she offered, barely audible in the quiet of the room around them.

Lee sat back a little, letting his elbows rest on his knees as he watched her for a long moment. His lips pressed into a thin line as he clicked the tweezers together absentmindedly. She'd seen the expression before, many times. Most of them had been early in their partnership when she had refused to say a single word to him for days on end. The Project was abusing him, taking advantage of a good man with a heart too good to be stained by the corruption going straight over his head. Concern bit into the edges of his face as he watched her and Feng Li could hardly justify why she was so disturbed by this murder in particular. Not without telling him the truth and she had orders to not disclose anything. Just like she had had orders to kill Zi Hao.

Zi Hao who was dead. Zi Hao who she had trained with when their father expressly forbid it. Zi Hao who had stood up for her when her father tried to dismiss her. Zi Hao who had made her his life until their father left her on the battlefield to die. Zi Hao who had spent his last gurgling breath speaking her name.

After a few more silent beats, Lee sat up straighter again, defeat washing across his face.

"Well if you decide you want to be a partner in this strike team again, you just let me know," he held out the tweezers for her before getting up to his feet.

When the Corporal got angry, he didn't shout, not like nearly every other man she had known in her lifetime. Instead, he went quiet, withdrew, fought silence with silence until she could no longer stand it. Awkward situations had stopped bothering him years ago once he fully grew into his role as her Deacon.

"You know where to find me." He said with a stony expression before retreating toward the door to the hallway. Pausing there, he blew out a breath before disappearing through it.